5 ways to cope with the stress of infertility
Advice and strategies for your mental health from a Psychotherapist
Kristina Virro is a Psychotherapist and entrepreneur dedicated to helping people feel less stuck and more empowered in their lives. She is the Founder of Fresh Insight, which continues to support people of all ages and backgrounds. She has a passion for enhancing mental health and she talks to us on EP09 of My Fertility Podcast about the different emotions that might come up during Mother’s Day; however, these coping mechanisms can be used at any point in a person’s fertility journey. We cover:
- Understanding disenfranchised grief and dialectical thinking
- Coping mechanisms and strategies to support you
- Healing your emotions in the moment
- How partners can provide support
- Advice on how to keep your HOPE alive
1. Understanding disenfranchised grief and dialectical thinking
It can be said that most people going through infertility are experiencing grief. Mostly because there’s this idea of what they thought their life would look like, that they have to grieve. There’s this idea of having a really fun pregnancy that they can enjoy along with other things that they might not get to experience.
Experiencing grief on certain occasions, such as Mother’s Day is common and normal. Kristina Virro describes infertility as what is called disenfranchised grief. This is a type of grief that typically goes invalidated or is not acknowledged at all in society, which makes it that much harder to overcome.
From the standpoint and experience of somebody who’s going through infertility, the grieving process is more difficult because some people might not even think that you lost anything, which is extremely painful (and may even come with ignorant statements).
When it comes time to face difficult scenarios or occasions, be kind to yourself and validate your feelings. Dialectical thinking, is when you allow two things to be true at the same time. This means allowing yourself to think that on Mother’s Day, “okay, I can be really happy that I have a mother and she’s great .. but, I can also appreciate that this is a really hard day for me.”
2. Coping strategies to help manage your emotions
Avoid social media on triggering events or occasions: don’t go on social media to avoid being bombarded with potentially highly triggering related content.
Create your own rituals: do your own thing; this could mean getting out of town, spending a day at the spa by yourself, or plan a stay-cation with your partner.
Celebrate yourself: just because you have not yet achieved your goal at this point in time, that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a lot to celebrate. There’s so much to celebrate when you’re somebody who’s going through a fertility journey because you’re being really perseverant, you are resilient, you are going to numerous appointments and getting poked and prodded. You are STRONG and COURAGEOUS.
Write a letter to yourself: you can make it an exercise of writing down all the things that you’ve accomplished so far, all of the strengths that you have, and all the things that you’re proud of. Write a letter to yourself a year into the future to make a point of connecting with that person of the future noting what she had achieved and learned along the way.
Set boundaries: get creative with setting boundaries. For example, only attend the event for a shorter period of time than usual. Perhaps make up an excuse for the sake of self-care – that is extremely needed – and sometimes this is the only option when you have not shared your fertility journey with certain people in your life.
Work with a therapist: get professional help, when needed. Our family and friends can be supportive, however, it can also be beneficial to speak to a therapist who can help you with coping mechanisms to navigate your emotions.
3. Healing your emotions in the moment
Sometimes, we can get overwhelmed at unexpected times or scenarios. There are a few things you can do to help settle your emotions “on the spot” and help you to bring your body to the present moment.
Calm the mind
The first thing we want to do is focus the mind and calm the mind down. You can do this by activating the prefrontal cortex (the part of our brain at your forehead). The prefrontal cortex is in charge of logical thinking and planning and more logical types of activities.
When we’re able to name an emotion and describe it to ourselves, you’re actually activating the prefrontal cortex part of the brain. For example, “I feel that in my body, in my chest and I notice that my heart rate is high.” Some people can get even more descriptive with this which is great – name sensations, colours, sounds. Allowing yourself to name all of those things is really helpful. There’s an expression in the world of psychology that says, name it to tame it. And that’s the first thing we can do to calm the mind.
Calm the body
The second thing that you can do is calm the body. And this is where a lot of experimentation can help you determine what your nervous system likes best. For some people this means using different breathing techniques that are specific to calming anxiety. For example, taking breaths followed by long exhales – focus on having really long, slow exhales, as long and as slow as possible. This will help to activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which is a branch of the nervous system that’s known as the “rest and digest system”. Therefore, when you’re calm and feeling good and collected, it’s the parasympathetic nervous system that’s at work.
Grounding exercises
There are specific grounding exercises that you can try one-on-one with a therapist. For example, grounding your feet on the floor. This could mean stomping your feet on the floor a little bit which can also feel good to release some anxious or angry energy or whatever that happens to be.
Some people prefer to do something slow like Tai Chi movements to calm their nervous system. While others find release in pushing a wall; pushing a wall as hard as humanly possible helps because it’s going to help to give you that release of adrenaline.
Replay the scenario in your mind
Play the scenario in your mind before it actually happens in real life. Paint a mental picture with as much detail as possible, multiple times over in order to prepare for what is to come. This is a way of showing your brain that can overcome this.
Activate your vagus nerve
Humming: what you’re doing when you’re humming is activating something called the vagus nerve, which is a really long cranial nerve that goes from our brain to our stomach to our facial muscles. When we are able to activate that nerve, it can directly turn on the parasympathetic nervous system.
Gargling: Taking a sip of water and gargling it can also help activate that same parasympathetic nervous system via the vagus nerve.
Activate your glute muscles: sit down and activate your glute muscles by taking turns contracting each of your glutes as much as you possibly can. This is helpful because you can even do it at the dinner table!
4. How partners can provide support
This applies to both male and female partners at a function. Come up with a code word together and figure out what that code word means. When the code word is said aloud, that means either of you need to get the hell out of there and you’re going to help each other do that! Be on the same page about this. Talk about it, as this is a great way to validate your partner and their emotions. Allow your partner to feel what they’re feeling; both of your feelings are valid – both during a fertility journey and outside of a fertility journey.
The word “trigger”
This applies to both male and female partners at a function. Come up with a code word together and figure out what that code word means. When the code word is said aloud, that means either of you need to get the hell out of there and you’re going to help each other do that! Be on the same page about this. Talk about it, as this is a great way to validate your partner and their emotions. Allow your partner to feel what they’re feeling; both of your feelings are valid – both during a fertility journey and outside of a fertility journey.
5. Maintain HOPE
Kristina Virro often tells patients that infertility prepares you to be a parent extremely well. Typically when people go through infertility it highlights problems in their relationship or it highlights things that they’re already dealing with.
So, if you’re an anxious person, infertility will put your anxieties on overdrive and you’re now going to be really, really anxious. We can see this as a great opportunity to work on healing, so that when you do have a child – not if, but when – you will be the best parent on the planet. You will know how to support your child when they’re feeling anxious. You will have a stronger relationship. You will have a stronger sense of self and you will know what it’s like to go through something hard and get back up stronger, and you’ll be able to teach that to your child.
It’s sometimes hard to have hope when you’re going through a fertility journey.
As fertility physicians when we’re seeing patients our role is to be the cheerleader – to be the person who’s going to support you in that hope and give you the spark to hopefully say, “Okay, if this person is hopeful for me, then maybe I do have a reason to be hopeful too”. Hope is infectious, right? When you see somebody else that is hopeful, that is smiling or accentuates positive vibes – that inspires people to still feel hopeful and to feel like there is a reason to keep going. Because if there’s no hope, then why are we even bothering, right?
Concluding thoughts about coping with infertility
Firstly, acknowledge and validate that certain occasions in life will be more difficult than others and that is totally normal. Remember dialectical thinking: ttwo things are allowed to be true at the same time – so you’re allowed to feel frustrated or upset, or you’re allowed to grieve and know that a day like Mother’s Day is a day of joy for other people.
Two, you can decide how you want to cope with certain scenarios. This may mean setting some boundaries. If you do have to go to the event, it might look like doing something for yourself or self care, like taking a little break or having a getaway or going to the spa on your own or whatever it happens to be.
Number three, stay away from your phone or social media because these spaces are often to quite triggering.
Four, if you do find yourself feeling dysregulated at any point, find a way to ground yourself. You can calm your mind by labeling and describing the emotion and you can calm your body by using breathing techniques or stimulating the vagus nerve.
And above all, be kind to yourself. Speak to yourself kindly. Treat yourself with kindness. Give yourself care and love just as you would to a friend because this journey is difficult but you’re going to overcome it. Trust yourself and never lose hope.
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