How to support your partner through infertility
The fertility journey from a male partner’s perspective
[insert podcast episode]
On EP49 of My Fertility Podcast we have a truly important conversation about male partners and their role in fertility journeys. Joining us is Tom Riley, who has been through a six-year fertility journey with his wife, Alexie. He’s here to share how you can support your partner through infertility, his own struggles, and how he’s advocating for male partners in the fertility space. You can connect with Tom on Instagram @partner_in_fertility.
Before we begin, we want to acknowledge that fertility journeys come in many different forms. Today, we’ll be using gendered terms that reflect Tom and Alexie’s personal experience, but we recognize and respect the diversity of identities and family structures.
A Doctor’s Reflection: Have We Overlooked Male Partners?
Tom, I have to confess—I’m a little nervous about this conversation. Years ago, a male partner wrote on a feedback form that while he and his wife were grateful for my care, he felt ignored throughout the process. That really stuck with me. As a fertility specialist, I tend to connect more naturally with female patients. I hug them, hold their hands, and comfort them. But I now realize that I haven’t always made male partners feel equally seen.
I want to do better. I want all fertility clinics and specialists to do better. And I want to learn from you. So let’s start from the beginning—take us back to your journey.
Tom: I appreciate you saying that. To be honest, you were great during our treatments. But I do think many male partners feel overlooked.
The Beginning: A Long and Complex Journey
How did your fertility journey start?
Tom: My wife and I have been on this journey for over six years. After we got married, we started trying immediately, but nothing happened. Testing revealed that I had azoospermia—which means I had no sperm in my semen. Initially, everyone told us, Alexie is young and healthy—fix Tom’s issue and you’ll be fine.
We went through multiple egg retrievals and embryo transfers. We faced several losses—chemical pregnancies, a blighted ovum, and one pregnancy that stopped growing just before the heartbeat scan. It was devastating.
There were moments we wanted to quit. We had to take breaks for Alexie’s physical and emotional health. But we always came back, because we wanted to leave no stone unturned. We didn’t want to look back and wonder, What if we had tried just one more thing?
Guilt, Shame & The Male Experience
As the male partner, how did all of this impact you emotionally?
Tom: At first, I felt immense guilt and shame. My condition was the initial reason for our infertility, and I kept thinking, If I could have gotten her pregnant naturally, maybe none of this would have happened.
Watching Alexie go through invasive procedures, injections, and emotional heartbreak was unbearable. I kept wondering if she was suffering because she chose to be with me. And that thought weighed heavily on me.
Did I feel like clinics, society, or communities addressed my feelings? Not at all. There are barely any resources for men in this space.
The Lack of Support for Male Partners
Your wife, Alexie, found support through the online fertility community. Did you find the same?
Tom: Not at all. Women have these amazing support networks, but men? Nothing. Most male partners feel like they have to be strong and silent. We bury our emotions because we don’t want to add to our partner’s burden.
I eventually started my own Instagram account, @partner_in_fertility to connect with other male partners. I’ve had a few guys reach out, just looking for someone to talk to. They don’t need advice—they just need to know someone understands what they’re going through.
Breaking the Silence: What Male Partners Need to Know
What would you say to male partners who feel they should “stay out of the way” during fertility treatments?
Tom: Get tested. Stop smoking. Cut back on alcohol. Do whatever you can to contribute.
I don’t understand men who refuse to get tested or make lifestyle changes while their wives are injecting themselves with hormones every night. If you’d take a bullet for your partner, why wouldn’t you do this?
That’s powerful. And beyond medical tests, what about emotional support?
Tom: Be present. Go to appointments. If you can’t make it, ask questions and stay engaged.
I did all the injections for Alexie. I mixed the medications. I drove her to every appointment. I handled all the grocery shopping, cleaning, and housework. I wanted the rest of her life to be as easy as possible.
One thing that really helped us? “Needle dates.”
Needle dates?!
Tom: Yeah! Instead of just giving injections, I’d set the mood—dimmed lights, essential oils, relaxing music. I’d prepare the injections while Alexie lay down, then we’d have some cuddle time afterward. It made an otherwise painful routine feel a little more comforting.
Encouraging Emotional Vulnerability
Many men suppress their emotions. Did you struggle with that?
Tom: Absolutely. At first, I bottled everything up because I didn’t want to add to Alexie’s burden. But eventually, I realized that sharing my emotions actually helped her.
When I started opening up—admitting that I was also heartbroken—it validated her feelings. She felt less alone. That emotional connection brought us even closer.
Advice for Fertility Clinics & Specialists
What can clinics do better for male partners?
Tom: Here are a few ideas:
- Create dedicated resources for male partners. A simple booklet with guidance on what to expect, how to support their partner, and how to process their own emotions would be a great start.
- Encourage male participation. Invite men to appointments, even virtually, and directly address them during discussions.
- Offer couples counselling. Fertility is emotionally draining for both partners—therapy should be standard.
- Host support groups for male partners. Many men won’t seek support on their own, but they might attend if invited.
Words of Wisdom for Male Partners
If you could give one final message to male partners, what would it be?
Tom: “Doing nothing is not supportive.”
Yes, your partner is going through more physically, but that doesn’t mean you sit back. Get involved. Ask what she needs. Make decisions together. Express your emotions.
If you don’t know where to start, ask: What can I do for you right now? Even just showing that you want to help means everything.
Tom, thank you so much for sharing your story and advocating for male partners. I hope this episode helps more men feel seen, heard, and supported.
Tom: Thank you. I hope so, too.